| To whomever still reads xanga posts:
I know it's been forever since I've even looked at this thing, but it's the only place I've ever been able to just let out everything that I'm feeling.
As I'm sure you know (and I use "you" loosley because I don't know who's reading), I transferred to Ole Miss this semester thinking I would love it, and that Journalism would be a great major choice. Well, I've realized upon further consideration that maybe I made that decision too quickly. I can't help but think that I would have been happier if I stayed at Jones for the rest of the year and gone to Southern next year for music. The more I think about it, the more my love for music grows. Also, I just don't fit in here at Ole Miss. I've noticed that most people don't come here for the education-- they come here simply because it's Ole Miss and it has a reputation of heavy partying and strong tradition. And I just don't think that I am the kind of person that can deal with that. And I know that as soon as I say something about it, everyone in Simpson and Jones County are going to say, "I told you so," but, I mean, we all know that I'm the kind of person that is going to make decisions based one my own opinions and by testing the waters out for myself.
My main concern is Jason and Mary. They already had problems when Nicki moved out, and I don't want to cause them any more stress. But it's just not working out. When I moved here I had NO intention of hating it and wanting to move back. The thing is, I just know that I would be so much happier at Southern studying music, or music industry, or jazz studies, or something. God, I feel like I am rambling...which, I am, but I'm just getting everything out of my head. Bear with me.
I think one of the main reasons I moved here was to get away from my "problems." At the time, I had just broken up with Kellie and I just wanted to get away from it all and start over somewhere fresh and new. Well, I started over and realized maybe things weren't so bad. I have, however, learned so much about myself and some of my friends and I think that moving away did kind of help in some twisted sort of way.
After going home for the weekend I realized that I have the most AMAZING friends anyone could ever ask for. Brandon and Nikki mean more to me than I could even begin to imagine, and living 4 hours away from them has been one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And then there's Crystal, Mescal, and Justin. They have been my second family since my sophomore year of high school and they know me better than most people that have known me my entire life. Tanner, Magan, and Ashley...Dude, we've all been there for each other through some rough times. I think of all of them as so much more than just friends. Kellie and I have patched up our friendship and we can identify with each other so well and talk so easily because we know each other. Ashley Wainwright and Caleb...I met them during the play one year and our friendships have continued to get stronger over the years. Shanley...She is my oldest friends and probably one of the truest. If either of us have a thought, we don't hesitate to tell the other. It doesn't matter what the subject is. Cruz is a friend that I made my freshman year at Jones. Honestly, when I saw him I was like, "Shanley...This guy looks like a prick." Let me just say that I could not have been more wrong. Then we have some other friends at Jones like Tessa and Katie who I don't know what I would have done without. And how can I forget my Applebee's friends like Jessica, Courtney, Brittney, and Amanda? I've never had an easy time making friends, but somehow everything felt so right. Jessica and I have had many, many deep conversations and closet skeleton confessionals. I miss everyone so badly. I know I'm leaving people out because if I named all of them, I would never get through with this.
I even miss my family. I know I always said, "As soon as I can, I am getting far away from Simpson County." Not because don't like my family...Hell, I don't know where I would be without their support, love, and encouragement. Being away from them and unhappy has made me realize how much I truley love all of them. My sister is going to have a baby in June, and that is something that we've wanted so badly. If I stay at Ole Miss, I will hardly ever get to see the little booger. That kid needs to know her uncle Jake.
I just feel so unhappy and alone. I feel like I've hit a wall, and I have no idea where to go next, ya know? If anyone still reads these, please, please, PLEASE let me know what you think.
I should probably go to bed since I have to work in the morning.
Goodnight.
--jake-- |
